Father's Day without You

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Today is a difficult day for me. It's not like I can actually remember the last Father's Day I spent with you. I was probably just a teenager. But somehow knowing you aren't here, that spending Father's Day with you is no longer an option....hurts. I've been thinking a lot since that 13th of May - Mother's Day incidentally this year - when you passed away. Thinking a lot about missed opportunities, about what I'd have done differently if I'd allowed myself to believe that this sickness was actually "unto death." There's a lot of "God's will will always prevail", "God knows best", "God is in control" being said to me right now. A lot of "God is your father now." I'm sure those words are meant to comfort me or maybe it's a case of people not knowing what to say. I have been guilty of the same I guess....but truly no one knows what it is to lose a parent, till you lose one. And no-one knows what it is to hold onto hope, believing that God would never allow you to lose both parents - surely not - until you do. All I know is today really sucks. Because all I can think about is how differently I'd have lived life from 24 December 2015, when your 1st chemo began, to 13 May 2018 if I'd known that was all the time we had left. I thought you were going to grow very old. Very grey and very old. And one day die peacefully in your sleep.  Maybe the day after your 100th birthday. 

 I miss you so much.  I miss the way you loved us. I miss your patience. I miss your wisdom.

I've missed you since you were diagnosed - because to be honest - as much as you tried, you could never really be the same. Cancer was a death sentence hanging over your head, and I can only imagine how you were feeling, really feeling. What emotions you had. I'd have been scared if it was me. I'd have been anxious.

I miss the careless laugh you had when we were kids. The laugh that rang through the whole house. Especially when your brothers were still alive. And you'd all tell your stories, and you'd be on the edges of your seats, clicking fingers, howling out loud holding your pointy noses - not sure what that was about! Ha! I miss you always complimenting my fashion choices.

Thank you for teaching me about skincare and beauty - "No more vaseline on your face young lady! ". Thank you for enjoying my reading to you - "Bow wow, bow wow said spot!". I can still hear you mimicking my voice. Thank you for singing to me "She's the long legged woman dressed in black!" everytime I wore a maxi skirt as a kid. Thank you for always having a clever saying on the tip of your tongue - even though I didn't get half of them then.

I wish i could give you a proper hug, a real hug before we worried about hurting you if we squeezed too tight. I wish my kids could've really got to know you. oh daddy, too many things i wish and wish and wish.  "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride!" i can hear you say. oh where are you daddy?!

Yes daddy, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride, and no daddy's little girl alive would be spending father's Day without their dad. Alas, here I am.

thanks to your example, and your wisdom and guidance, you helped me know a good father for my own kids. And so today as I miss you so terribly, I celebrate Kola, knowing that it's thanks to you and the example you set, that my kids have him for a father.

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I love you.

Tanaka